Standing in his shoes

The day was cool and there was a light breeze from the north.  It was the day before Stephen’s funeral on Thursday afternoon.  As the family sought for understanding to somehow understand why and how he could take his own life, it was important to us to stand in his shoes, as it were.  The deputies that found Stephen’s body were gracious enough to escort us to the spot where he died and his body layed.

We felt that this was part of the physical closure we needed to be able to move forward.  We still were in somewhat of a state of shock as things moved rapidly, as we wanted to lay his body to its final rest.  As we drove to the site on Kaw Lake in Osage county, I began to recognize the area.  It was a favorite spot for Stephen.  This cove is where he loved to camp with his brothers and friends, to cook for them, to share stories together and most of all its where he loved to go kayaking and fishing.  It was fitting that Stephen would return to the place where he felt at peace and he enjoyed being for his final few moments in this life.  

As we arrived, there was an eerie silence that enveloped the area.  The only thing that you could hear was the sound of the wind through the trees and the rustle of the tall grass surrounding the area.  The birds were even hushed as we approached the spot.  While there was a feeling of serenity in this place, there was also the silence of death in the air for us.  We spoke little, we looked around the area to mark this place in our thoughts.

But for me, it was important, imperative for me as his father to stand in the exact spot where he stood and see the same thing he saw as he took his final breath before his life was extinguished in the blink of an eye.  I took a picture to remember this time and this place and to know the last thing he saw before his life was over.  It was a cool almost winterish day and the sun was approaching the horizon as the light was giving way to darkness.  I remember looking at the sunset just a few days earlier minutes before the deputy arrived with the somber news of his death and wondering if Stephen was looking at it as well, not knowing if he were still alive or not.

The photo I included with this post is the exact spot where Stephen stood, my shoes in his footprints.  This is a westward view from the cove as he was indeed looking into the sunset.  Somehow, this was a way for me to be some how and in some way connected to him in his final moments.  The tears filled my eyes and they still do as I look at this picture.  

There is a serene beauty of this last sight of his.  Yet I do not find peace or serenity in my soul as I stood there, but rather an intense ache in my heart as I missed him so.  This was probably the most important act for me in my acceptance of his death and to its reality and finality here on this earth.  

I share this with you because it was important for me to be able to move forward and into the days ahead.  I felt helpless and frightened as I knew the tasks ahead were going to be filled with more hurt and pain, but being here somehow brought a kind of closure that I desperately needed in that moment.

As you seek your own closure at the untimely and tragic death of your loved one, know that we stand beside you as you walk down your own path to closure.  We all have our own private way of coping and mourning, but know that you are not alone.  Our family stands with you as you face the uncertainty of the days ahead.  We lift you up in prayer this very moment to the throne of God’s Grace and Mercy.  As Paul speaks in 2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV) so we also stand with you, “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”