One year later….

On March 5th, it will be one year since we lost Stephen. The time has passed slowly in some ways and raced by in others. We find ourselves in a totally different place – emotionally, physically and spiritually since that day he left us. We have moved forward, each in our own way, as life goes on and we move past the grief and sorrow into a time of acceptance and acknowledgement.

As I look back over the past year, the days, weeks and months have had their own challenges to deal with and to bear. His birthday in October was a day of renewed sorrow as we reminisced of birthdays gone by. My own birthday is in October and we often times celebrated both mine and Stephen’s birthday with a special family dinner. We recalled previous birthdays and family celebrations with our own tears and knowledge that his birthday will always be remembered as will the day he took his own life and left us behind. Then, the holiday season quickly followed with thoughts of how he was missing from our family celebrations at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. The first year dealing with the absence of a loved one during special family days is one of the most difficult of times. This can be especially difficult with a special close family member.

As I write this, my mind is awash with a flood of memories of Stephen’s smile, his laugh, his walk and his overall manner. All of this is so long missing, never to be experienced again, but only through the ability of my memory to recall him. As time continues to click past, one day after the other, the grief of the moment fades a little more with each day, and the pleasant memories of his life replaces the fading shades of grief as life continues on.

There are still times when I am alone in the house and my memory comes into play and the moans and creaks and groans of the settling house remind me of him stirring about in the house as he used to do. All these are pleasant memories that re-enforce the person he was and what he meant to me. Acceptance of him not being here any longer is completely consummated in my heart and mind. This was an important milestone for me in the journey of my own grief and sorrow.

I have replaced the pain and sorrow little by little by busying myself with hobbies and related activities. Stephen did not want any of his family to continue in grieving him, but wanted each of us to pursue our own lives to the fullest in a way he felt he could no longer do. We all have to find our own direction down our path to return to normalcy and moving forward past grief and toward living the rest of our lives. We must not remain in that emptiness and sorrow we feel as it will cause us to stagnate and become impotent in life.

In a small town like this, we often come in contact with his friends and its painful to see the impact his death had and continues to have on them. Some who were particularly close to him still are grieving and having a difficult time moving forward. To them I offer my heartfelt prayers with hopes that they too will come to a point of acknowledgement and move forward past that pain. I do not think that Stephen had any idea how much he was a part of the lives of others and how much his decision to take his own life would impact others outside his immediate family. I know he was not aware of how many others were there for him. His deep feelings of despair and emptiness did not have to be borne alone. Family and friends were there just waiting, but he was at the point that he was blinded to that fact. The knowledge of that saddens me greatly, which is one of the main reasons that I am resolved to keep this website going in his memory.

If as you read this you too are grieving the loss of a loved one, especially because of a suicide, please know my heart is there along side you. I understand your hurt and pray that you too will find your own path to healing and to acceptance and acknowledgement. If you would like to write to us, please feel free to click on the “Contact Us” option at the top of the page and drop us an email. We look forward to hearing from you!