Light through the darkness

Psalm 119:105 (KJV) Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

Several years ago, Kim and I began our daily practice of reading the Bible through together over the course of a year.  We do a cover to cover read through God’s scriptures.  Every  three or four years, we do a chronological reading plan which is the plan we are using right now.  We will finish this years read through about the end of August and will begin our new cover to cover plan.  We never imagined when we started this year’s read that we would have encountered such a tragic loss as losing our Stephen. 

Although its been over five months since his passing, the pain is still very much with us and we have moved through many stages of our own grief. For me, the process of grieving began even before the deputy arrived at our door with the grim news that he had died.  The initial shock gave way to desperation and unbelief and then to such sorrow that I had never before experienced. 

As I was in church ministry for a few years early in my life and was on the giving end of consolation to many families during their times of pain and grief, even that did not prepare me for the flood of emotions and hurt that I felt.  I have lost many family members and close friends over the years, but there is nothing that could compare to the emptiness inside when I lost my own son.  One of my first thoughts went to my christian upbringing as I recalled the death of Jesus Christ on the cross those 2000 years ago and I thought of what pain that God the Father must have felt when His own Son Jesus was killed.  My pain was nothing in comparison to God the Father’s pain!  I wept uncontrollably as I thought of my Savior Jesus giving His life for the world.

As the days went on as we prepared for Stephen’s funeral service, the reality of his passing hit me as I spent time alone with him as a father standing by his own son.  Then I began to think as I sat next to him, that he was no longer suffering the torment that he must have been going through to be able to take his own life.  I poured over his final letter to our family in my mind and began to sense the heaviness of that pain had lifted from him, for I knew that the moment he died, he was in the presence of his Savior, Jesus Christ.  At that moment, even though still heavy with hurt and pain, I began to know a hint of the joy that Stephen must be enjoying now as he walks with his Savior!  

I would love to be able to tell you that all the pain and suffering was over and the grief had suddenly been lifted from me, but the hardest part was yet to come for me.  As the days passed and we began the process of taking care of his personal items, the grief turned to guilt.  What could we have done differently?  What did I miss as his father that could have prevented his spiral into such a state?  That guilt turned to anger.  Anger at myself, but mostly anger at the world and even more so, anger toward Stephen himself.

The weeks began to pass and the anger I knew still was not passing from me.  I spent many hours in prayer, asking God to help this emotion pass.  Little by little, that anger began to fade and the peace of God that passes all understanding began to fill my heart.  I realized that time together with Kim at the end of each day where we read God’s Word together in our daily read through the Bible plan was the time when I could know God’s peace together with her through the consolation and peace of His Word.  The time together with Kim in God’s Word was the light in the darkness that shined brightly for me.  I have my own personal daily Bible study, as does Kim, but the time together is different.  Its when we come together as a couple to abide in His Word.  

With any kind of grief, the healing takes alot of time.  Will the pain ever be gone?  Will I ever stop missing and hurting?  My answer is no, but with God in our lives, He will make a way for us to bear it and move on with our lives and dwell in His Peace that comes only through His Holy Word. As it says in Philipians 4:7 (KJV) “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”