The Unfathomable Pain

At the death of a loved one who took their own life, those left behind are always are haunted by the question, “WHY?”  Sometimes the answer comes somewhat easily as there were readily apparent circumstances or events that led to this deadly outcome.  But all too often, the question remains unanswered because it was totally out of character and unexpected.  At this point we then begin the pain-staking process of pouring over the details of their life to somehow make sense of it.  This becomes a major part of our healing process and as the survivors of such a tragedy, we have to come to terms with whatever the answer may be.

As we dealt with our own shock as Stephen’s family, the question of “why” hit us squarely.  He left the family a letter that we found rather quickly after he left the house that kick-started our efforts to find him before he took that final step.  His letter was very detailed and answered many questions and especially the big question of why. The answer of why lies squarely with this statement in his letter to us, “I no longer have any tears to shed, no hopes, no dreams, no aspirations at all. I only wish to be done with this life.”

As we reflected on his letter to the family we immediately focused on these sentences and it came down to this.  He described what got him to this point in his life.  He had no hope.  In his heart and mind, all hope for him had vanished.  He was bereft of any desire to go on.  I cannot begin to understand the emptiness that he must have felt. As we look back over the past, it had to have been building for some time and we were not even aware at the time as he never spoke of the depths of his emptiness.  For us, this was very disheartening to read and hit us like being slammed into a brick wall.

We knew “the why” but our uncertainty was how he got to this point in his life.  As we pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts, still grieving at the loss of our son and brother, our Stephen, we continue to piece together how he got to this point in his life.  As time goes on, details of his life, things he said to others, things he did in secrecy have begun to be revealed and the picture of his life comes clearer into focus.  Indeed the understanding of how he got to this point emerges into depths of much sadness for us.

When I read his letter and saw the absence of hope clearly missing through his own words, I immediately was reminded of the words of King Solomon, in Proverbs 29:18,  “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.”  Our Stephen had reached the point in his life that he had no vision, no dreams or aspirations.  He felt he had nothing to reach for, nothing to keep him going.  Just as Solomon spoke in the above verse, when there is no vision or hope, the ultimate outcome is to perish.  We must have something in our lives that drives us and creates that happiness in life.  My heart breaks for my son, to have somehow let the events in his life get the best of him and leave him totally empty as if he was just a shell with nothing inside.  When I consider a life without any kind of hope, it must be devastating.  He was devastated.  Devastated to the point of ending his life because of the unfathomable pain.