Managing our Grief
As the days passed after Stephen’s funeral, next was the task of going through his belongings in his room. First were his closet and dressers. Kim, his mom began sorting through his clothing and separating things in piles. Of course there were some personal items that were no longer usuable or that could not be sold or given away which went into trash bags. The task of discarding anything that belonged to him was difficult, as those items somehow seemed to hold some special part of him that we could hang onto. As hard as it was, we knew we had to part with things that were nothing but trash – scraps of paper, receipts, wrappers, etc. We definitely kept items that he kept close to him, his rings, his favorite bolo tie and other things he always carried with him and they have a place on a shelf in one of our glass display cabinets as a remembrance. Practicality would reign, as we managed to give several items of his clothing to those we knew had a need, and others we gave to charity, and yet others were packed and stored for a garage sale for the fall. We began the task of going through all the rest of his belongings that were here at our home and then what was stored at his storage locker in town. It was not a particularly easy task emotionally, but was something that needed to be done.
As we went through this process of going through Stephen’s belongings, it was hard to grasp the thought that he was really gone. Each item we handled, looked at and pondered confirmed the reality that he would no longer be walking through his bedroom door. The emotions at times were overwhelming, but we knew that we must move forward and this was also part of the grieving process and part of managing our own grief and healing. The temptation to close his room and ignore it was not an option as it would have been a continual reminder of the hurt and pain in our hearts and would have left our wounded heart gaping open never to heal. We knew that we must take care of his belongings and deal with them to allow the healing process to begin.
As we begin to heal, we also soon realize that a big part of the healing process depends on how we manage our grief in our day to day lives. Only by managing our own grief can we come to terms with it. For the believer in Christ, we know that we have Him by our side to walk with us and when the load gets too heavy to bear, we can allow Him to carry us through those moments. There have been many times when I remember Stephen and I am totally overcome with the loss as I miss him so. The grief overcomes me. But thats when I must pause, and look up to Christ, my Lord and Savior and seek His guidance through reading his Word and time in prayer and meditation on His Word. As we learn to rely upon God during these moments of extreme hurt and pain, the grief we know becomes manageable, and we can move forward with the tasks of every day living.
The emotions we feel from our loss can be debilitating and we can let them be the focus of our lives. As we all know, life goes on. The bills keep rolling in. We have jobs to do to earn our living to keep life moving forward. We must get back to the business of living. We will always have our missing loved ones in our thoughts and memories. That is right and proper. But we must honor their memory by picking up the broken pieces of our hearts and moving forward. I know that Jesus is right beside me to lean upon when the times get difficult and that He will help me pick up those pieces.
The psalmist David speaks to us about leaning upon God and His strength to sustain us, in Psalm 46 (KJV):
46 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
4 There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
6 The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
8 Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
9 He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
God’s arm of strength is our refuge. He can help us manage our grief moment by moment and day to day. Only through Him have Kim and I managed to pick up the pieces of our hearts and go about the business of living our lives in the midst of our hurt and pain. Verse 1 above, speaks to me in these moments. I know God is my refuge in managing the hurt and grief in my heart. But when I stop as it says in verse 11, to be still and know that He is God in these moments, it somehow gives me the strength to know that He is with me and is indeed my refuge.
Reaching out to others hurting and going through the same pain we know is the purpose of this website, to honor the memory of Stephen. Sharing our thoughts, emotions and experiences with you as we manage our grief and move forward by allowing God to be our refuge is part of our daily healing. As you find your own path to manage your grief and allow your heart to heal, please know that our thoughts and prayers are with each of you. We stand in your shoes and understand your hurt.
About The Author
Shelby Cooper
Shelby Cooper is a retired IT professional that worked in the oil industry for 33 years. He is a former minister of music/youth and religious education where he served Baptist churches in Oklahoma. He is also an amateur radio operator and also enjoys photography and writing.